I was afraid and it failed me

I choose to write only when I have strong emotional feelings and thoughts. That was what once my friend advise me when I asked about writing. But I can’t write as much as what I can feel which I regret all the time. However, I agree to write most of the time.

Yesterday night I was just pondering upon my life and it went so deep that I become sleepless. I remember dozing off once and awaken after about two hours. Which means I slept for only two hours (2:00am to 4:00am). Still I feel very alert and refresh to write this down at this hour. It is few minutes to morning dawn.

In my life…. Here it goes. I was always afraid about someone thinking bad about me and that was what keeps me motivating. An inspiration too. I tried my best to be good to everyone. Never wanted to hurt anyone and always compromised and resolved things hoping for the better tomorrow or the next. Despite this, I have failed. This was what made me sleepless.

Now I realized that I am no good to myself and others after trying unconditionally to be good at all times. Sometimes having intentional bad feelings or wrong doings may result better and happy ending. But that is what I am afraid of all the time. Whom to blame?

When trying to be more aware of oneself from broader perspective, I eventually has become self-ignorant. Perhaps, that’s the greatest failure again. That’s the reason why I am failing to maintain good intimate relationship; causing misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding in relationships is nothing based on evidences or proof. The underlying basis is rather on what one feels relating to trust. But people have common nature of looking for evidences and proof on blaming other.

I feel hopeless from my ordinary perspective and expectations in life at personal level. I have failed several times, often intensely through the journey of my life. lessons learned from many and few ignored. But this time it’s my complete failure leading to generate hatred and blame on unintentional ground. The undeniable fact is that the effect of diminishing or loss of trust upon expecting the unexpected.

Buddhist philosophies talks about contemplating on impermanence and suffering nature of Samsara upon experiencing the above situations. But it didn’t last long for me. True nature of being mundane is to expect the perfect. If not to completely avoid the worst. Can’t simply accept the fault.

I believe I have never fail to look upon the sacrifices of my parents. I never did. In fact, I happened to agree my relationship engagement upon them. This may be another failure narrowed upon my thoughts during that time. Because, I was afraid that if otherwise may lead to disobey them and that would be the worst I ever would reward them for their life-long sacrifices. But I don’t mean to say I am totally correct.

I don’t keep things inside because I am afraid that someday I might squeeze it out and I am afraid that I will have to carry unsolved doubts throughout life. I try to live an open life.

Above all, it wasn't intended or mean to depict or display good things about me or my complete failure but rather to say that what I assume as good may mean opposite to others and the failure I am experiencing may be another lessons. I don’t want to correct it now or I don’t want to change myself now. 

Waiting for perfect time for total contemplation and that would be the best solutions to the epitome of life’s upheaval.

Totally blushed upon concluding this piece of writing and it’s already 7:30am now. I need to prepare for college and wish good day to all. Total waste of time some may think…… however, I am trying to write whatever it may be but random thoughts to keep me reminding.